Emilie Autumn Album

Your sugar sits untouched
Teatime poems by Emilie Autumn

And so I've said too much
And not enough
And so the play is finally at an end
You never had the care
To call my bluff
And so I must be pleased
To be your friend
But what then was the purpose of this game?
I never really had a chance to win
It's true
I rather like who I became
But what am I to do with who I've been?
For I may wish to meet myself someday
Among the ashes of a fire long dead
To see my shadow there and hear it say
That it was happy with the life it lead
What emptiness awaits me?
This I fear
Far more than any peril I might face
My purpose in this world became less clear
When you were taken from your cherished place
Within my wishing heart
And went your way
So willingly it almost makes me ill
To think it never crossed your mind to stay
Pushes the dagger deep
Completes the kill
And yet how much of this was done by me?
Had I the courage would you still have flown?
How sad to think this was not destiny
But my mistake
Yet how could I have known?
Now here is my dilemma
As it seems
Do I accept the score that fate has set
And calmly watch the passing of my dreams
Or do I dare to place
Another bet
That where the curtain falls
Another rises
If I am wrong then strike me for my sins
But I believe our acts and thin disguises
Were but a prologue to what now begins…

Remember
And tell me
The day you love
Behind a veil of tears
How dreams as these
You dreamt not of
And thought to pass your years
More peaceably than others do
Devoid of common pain
Your own company pleased you
And as you heard complain
Of those small hurts that never heal
And scar their victims deep
You oft' proclaimed your heart could feel
No love
And sought to keep
Your perfect brow
Untarnished by
The sorrow you would save
Your perfect lips
Unvarnished lie
To kiss might thee enslave
Protected are thy limbs
No fear of deeds
Unseemly grasp thee
Directed by thy perfect ear
No words could hope to clasp thee
Indeed thou will not be enshrined
Will honor no man's name
But in disdain
You are, you'll find
Enshrined all the same
In your defense
You say "not so"
When standeth thee accused
Of hatred for mankind
But O
How hast thou been abused
That such a mortal fear
Could frighten
All your nature wills
So much
So that what might enlighten
Passion
Pity kills
And cannot bear to look upon
A soul you have enraptured
With cruel haste
You bid begone
The fools you have encaptured
Mistake me not
It is unjust
For every lovestruck squire
To claim a heart he hasn't won
But what of your desire?
Can'st thou pretend within thy breast
A beat was ne'er misplaced
And lost somewhere?
Dost thou but jest
To say thou never traced
With trembling fingertips
The image
Of a foreign shore
Embarking on a pilgrimage
To where none touched before?
The most deluded eyes could see
Thou harbor'st in thy frame
A store more rich than most should be
In every sense's flame
That thou dost feel
I know it well
That thou dost weep
I'll swear
That thou dost love
I'll live to tell
If thou would only dare
Remember
And tell me
The day you love
Beyond all this
What truth
Within my counsel lay
And thank me
With a kiss

At what point does a Shakespeare say
I feel it's time I write a play
What subject shall it be today
A tragedy I've done

Lovers twain have been united
Audiences are delighted
No doubt I shall soon be knighted
Royal fame I've won

The Queen has come to every show
And, flattering, she feigns to know
A couplet from a verse, also
A refrain from a rhyme

But the ones I aim to pleaseth
Most of all upon my kneeseth
Are the folk who cough and sneezeth
Through my prose sublime

Sonnet I
How shall I fly
When feathers be not mine
Though all my wishes
Skyward do attend
How tie my wounded heartstrings safe to thine
So thou to me
Like sun to moon
Descend
Or if thou wilt not bend thy starry frame
Wishing to keep thy brow o'ercrowned with mist
I'll rise
So that thy place shall stay the same
But will not then depart from heights
Unkiss'd
For bargains may be struck
And kept with pride
When lovers from their just demands
Ne'er hide

Sonnet II
My lover's eyes are darker than the moon
Or are they brighter?
I cannot decide
His tender voice makes other's out of tune
And shows me how I cannot them abide
His movements are of more than feline grace
His hands are soft
And pale as ivory
And though I've rarely seen
A stranger face
More perfect looks
I should abhor to see
For others may be pleasanter in part
But all my love
Remains a work of art

Sonnet III
How is it
That I smile
When I am sad?
From what resource do I derive this strength?
I've lost none
But a thing I never had
To keep it
Would I go to any length
But distance
Is not measured in a heart
So I could weep
And say that I've been wronged
And yet, as ever
Be so far apart
From him
To whom
I swore that I belonged
Alas
I blame as though he were untrue
I loved him
But, poor fool
He never knew

Sonnet IV
If all you love I am
As I am quite
Then why dost thou not love?
Dost thou not see
A plainly perfect match?
If thou art bright
Then why
When thou dost love
Love'st thou not me?
Instead preferring someone
Far removed
From all you claim to most admire?
I would
Commit you as a lunatic
If proved
Thus mad you were my ward
For your own good
And yet I'm making light of my own pain
Because I finally love
Yet love in vain

You appeared to me
Like rain
After a dry spell
Like growth
After a hard year
Like life
After death
And it had been so long
Yet my eye could discern
Less beauty
In its object
Than my memory maintained
So I whispered to myself
"All is but illusion
You did well to love him
It gave you songs to write
And kept you safe"
And with a sigh of relief
I let you go
But you would not go
For you came to me
In the air about you
And you walked with me
From the other side
Of town
And you touched me
With your hands
Behind your back
So I whispered to myself
"All is but illusion
You were wise to look closer
You have lost nothing
Only exchanged a face for a soul
Whatever happens now
You have been Constant
And let no one say
You never loved"

Did you know
Sometimes it frightens me
When you say my name
And I can't see you

Will you ever learn to materialize
Before you speak
Impetuous boy
If that's what you really are
How many centuries
Since you've climbed a balcony
Or do you do this every night
With someone else

You tell me that you never leave
And I am almost afraid
To believe it
Why is it me
You've chosen to follow
Did you like the way I look
When I am sleeping

Was my hair more fun to tangle
Are my dreams more entertaining

Do you laugh
When I'm complaining
That I'm all alone
Where were you
When I searched the sea
For a friend to talk to me
In a year
Where will you be

Is it enough
For you to steal into my mind
Filling up my page with
Music written in my hand
You know I'll take the credit
For I must have made you come to me somehow

But please
Try to close the curtains
When you leave at night
Or I'll have to find someone
To stay and warm me

Will you always attend my midnight tea parties
As long as I set your place
If one day
Your sugar sits untouched
Will you have gone forever

Would you miss me
In a thousand years
When you will dry
Another's tears

But you say
You'll never leave me
And I wonder if you'll have the decency
To pass through my wall
To the next room
While I dress for dinner

But when I'm stuck in conversation
With stuffed shirts
Whose adoration
Hurts my ears
Where are you then

Can't you cut in
When I dance with other men
It's too late
Not to interfere with my life
You've already made me
A most unsuitable wife
For any man who wants to be the first
His bride has slept with

And you can't just fly into people's bedrooms
Then expect them to calmly wave goodbye

You've changed the course of history
And didn't even try

Where are you now
Standing behind me
Taking my hand
Come
And remind me
Who you are
Have you traveled far
Are you made of stardust too
Are the angels after you
Tell me
What I am to do

But until then
I'll save your side of the bed
Just come
And sing me to sleep

How to break a heart
It is not difficult
Anyone can do it
So could you
If you tried
Just find a light
And switch it off
As easy
As blinking
That's what I was taught
When I was too young to ask
By ladies
In white nightgowns
In dripping weeds
And black ribbons
A girl's best friend
Is a small handgun
The question was useless
For I could say yes
But you've got to ask my army
And they are not inclined to grant favours
Just now

Soulless
Mindless
Walking sex-drives
Hearing nothing
But their own words
Reverberating inside their heads
So loud
They think they fill up the world
With their wisdom
Imaginationless prating slaves
Corrupt with idleness
Looking for a quick laugh
Arrogant
Feebleminded
Wankers
Thinking they're profound
And attractively opinionated
Brilliance skimmed from the back of a book
No longer in print
Two-faced whoring lying expletives
Shaming their profession
Self-impressed non-entities
Taking up space
Using up air
Fucking up dreams
Beautyless
Soulless
Mindless
Walking sex-drives

He had a fault
This is most true
But others have faults greater still
A noble profile was his rue
But many have done greater ill
And yet he would not show
His love
Nor let her know
That she was dear
Though he was near
He dared not tell her so

Now why was he the only man
To see himself not worth his prize?
About myself they plot and plan
How to find favour in my eyes
But never do they guess
That I might think them less
Than one who chose
Due to his nose
To love
But not confess

Is there
No such thing
As friendship?
Is it possible
Not to slip
Past the point of genial
With a quip
Implying something more?
This is what the young girl wonders
As her heartbeat races
Thunders
Trying to drown out the grotesque
Blunders
Of a man at war
With the fact that he could be
Her father
Twice over
And she
A lady of sound mind and body
Was not meant for fools as he

Must a man be so unthinking?
When he sees his ship is sinking
Will he always try to grasp the
Wing of one
Who still can fly?
This is what the young girl ponders
As she does
Her vision wanders
Trying not to notice how much
Fonder looks the old man's eye
Down upon her form
And face
Believing she might like the chase
But knowing still
That he has no place
As he shows his true disgrace

Will my life be like this ever?
Must I laugh
And call them clever
Or else fight
And scratch
And claw
In fury
At so many fools?
This is what the young girl muses
As she battles shame
And loses
Leaving nothing
But so many
Bruises
Made by unseen tools
Wielded by a strengthless hand
Which could not hope to understand
How quickly it kills
Though unplanned,
Turning spirit into sand

There was a land
I once heard tell
‘Twas christened
Mushroom Down
The folk who lived there
Loved it well
And never left their town
They stayed there from the hour of birth
Until the day they died
They never cared
For any earth
Except their Mushroom pride
They made their homes beneath the caps
Of fungi wide and tall
And when time came for tea
Perhaps a
Neighbor came to call
And while they sat in shade serene
And offered cream and cakes
They talked of things they'd never seen
Beyond the Mushroom lakes
They did not wish to journey there
They were contented so
But past the mossy banks somewhere
Lie what they did not know
More curious
They grew by day
And still more so by night
They wondered
If there were a way
To take a
Mushroom flight
Tormented by this new desire
More restless they became
And many began to conspire
On blueprints for a frame
A brilliant
Flying vehicle
Of mushroom caps and string
One gent proved
Astronautical
And built the very thing
And so the day arrived at last
On which the plane should board
The celebration went far past
What they could best afford
But they were folks of merry ways
And when the kegs were drained
In unison arose their gaze
And on the stroke
It rained
Now in the hist'ry of the town
No soul had ever seen
A flood the likes of which poured down
Upon the Mushroom Green
A gathering
Was held betwixt
The elders late that night
And even their votes were unmixed:
“We must postpone the flight!”
The disappointment through the land
Was more than some could bear
For their own world
Once thought so grand
They did no longer care
To say the least it was a shame
To see the people act
As though they'd lost their hope
Their flame
When their poor plans were sacked
But still the rain
Continued on
For more than fifty days
Their mushroom store was almost gone
They dreamt of sunshine rays
And that's when they began to cease
Their thoughts of other towns
If only this storm would decrease
They'd cherish
Mushroom Downs
That night was spent in blackness deep
No star was seen to shine
But when the morning
Broke their sleep
They saw a sight divine
The rain was nowhere to be found
The sky was fresh
And clear
Hurrahs of joy for miles around
Were all that one could hear
And what is more
The earth had sprung
New mushrooms overnight
And many hymns of praise were sung
And no one
Spoke of flight
And so at last the ballad ends
With happiness sublime
And so the story goes
My friends
That is
Until next time…

Who danced with me
Before now
Who joined me
At the ship's bow
Who held my frightened form still
And now you say that you will
But in the years behind me
Who ever cared to find me
Who stayed me
When the tears ran
And now you say that you can
Forgive my sad suspicion
But hear my admonition
None yet have hoped for rescue
And now you say
That you do
Oh how I've wished past caring
That one might be so daring
And sail me to the next star
I almost think you are

We look to the sky
Diamonds
Swimming
In squid's ink
Tilting back our heads
Until we cannot close our mouths
We try to count
But lose our place
And shiver
Not because it is cold
But because
We are afraid of falling

Alas
My love
If I could make you live
And from the page
Step forth and sit beside me
Or better still
Bestride the steed I gave you
Wrapped close within the cloak
I lent to hide thee
Perhaps I'd venture forth to ask thy name
Since while thou liest underneath my pen
That honour given
Which the poorest claim
Unjustly was withheld
But if again
I held thee captive
As I did ere now
Stalling to pass my fingers through the last
Of midnight tendrils
Or peruse thy brow
In fear of sending off what heaven cast
Too early
For my insufficient mind
To grasp the fullest detail
And retain
The presence
That your image left behind
That thou in all thy glory should remain
I fear my oversight
I would not mend
For now upon reflection
I confess
That secretly
I never did intend
With title long
Or surname rich
To bless
But rather
Let in my imagination
Run wild the thoughts of
Who perhaps you were
Before your soul
Demanded your creation
And deigned my mind
And willing heart to stir
For such a noble
And impassioned face
Could well be but
Newborn unto this sphere
But sure among a distant
Beauteous race
Thou hast known more than all who dwelleth here
And could tell much of places thou hast seen
And battles fought
For honours won and lost
And how each service
Done a faerie Queen
Becomes
A brighter jewel than it cost
The ladies of your world
You may impart
Desire to be neither
Over-graced
Nor underrepresented in the art
Of living
Where their lips were meant to taste
A sort of feline stealth
They wear about them
And while a flame of innocence they hold
In forests dark
You fear to be without them
For knights of maler kinds are ne'er so bold
Yes, in thy orb a maid may be a knight
(Thou knew'st a friend would make upon this news)
Without a whisper loud
Or censure slight
For lords are not afeared
Their stock to lose
Where no stock may be taken
Or be kept
No property be granted
Nor no bride
No maiden
May be stolen while she slept
Nor robbed of her freedom
To decide
What suits her best
No county's law is needed
To cut the weed of violence from the stem
No danger for the law to go unheeded
For acts as these
Do not occur to them
The gentlemen you raise
Are rarer still
For in their eyes, as in the depths of thine
Such soft
And thrilling mysteries fulfill
The darkest corners of their heart's design
Their arrows
Much like those I gave to thee
Could not but graze the flank of yonder cow
Without making him laugh
‘Tis much to see
Them tickling their prey
I know not
How
They ever do
Encapture what they eat
Save that perhaps
Their bright unfettered brains
Have learned that
What grows underneath their feet
And in the trees above
Better sustains
A life
Intent on living well tomorrow

But how
I ask thee
Most endearing fiend
Do lords and ladies love
Where is no
Sorrow
No strife to overcome
No soul uncleaned
Of crushing ardor
Long worn out its stay
Betrothal to a mortal less divine
Than that who stole thy blushing breath away
No hot
Forbidden kisses for to pine
No heart affixed to age
Where heart is young
No ill intentioned suitors to evade?

“Still madam!
Would'st thou kindly hold thy tongue”

Thou sayest

“Your mistake has rash been made
In living long
In combat with your kind
Thou see'st no other obstacle but these
Thy hands are careworn
Yet to find
The hands that first should hold them
Yet to please the hierarchy
Which you serve unwitting
Thou dost believe that love in fighting grows
That happiness
In love
Is not befitting
But in thy sadness
Thou mak'st light of woes
For even were there ne'er a cloudy day
No tempest
To divide what love had bound
The galley
Which the moon holds in her sway
Could not but stir
The peace it finally found
The wound is deeper than the sea about thee
The stars upon my doublet
You have drawn
May light my homeward path
But how
Without me
Wilt thou escape the fate
Thou tremblest on?”

And in this way
And more my paper spoke
O, fierce, savage
Gentle beauty bright
Thou who I've given breath
My soul has broke
You had authority
But not the right
Could I but see the lips
That dare not breathe
They are so beautiful
And pressing sweet
Could I but touch the wings that underneath
Are made so soft
Thy heart forgets to beat
Perhaps I should have more
For which to strive
You came to my domain
And brought despair
For though I be the chastest heart alive
The realm you speak of
Will not take me there
Have you no pity?
Can'st thou not perceive
That I, a blinded beast
Had but the eyes
To see where I would love?
Dost thou believe
That ere you came
I was but vain disguise?
I know the murmur of music reveals
The things no human heart could comprehend
I render'st thou for all that torment feels
And longed to be thy lordship's
Faithful friend
Yea, quiet as a mushroom
Did I wait
I willed to thee my form
To overtake
I shivered at each passing horse's gait
And so I slept
To suddenly awake
Alas
My love
Wilt thou kiss me goodbye
The lingering night
Will aid thee on thy travels
I'll craft but one thing more
A crow to fly
Before t
T tell me how thy tale unravels

I say, thou art complete and free to go
What holds thee here save one who lives no longer
For I have given thee the life you know
The weaker I become
Thou art the stronger
And in your antique words your clear intent
Was that once thou art gone
I should dismay
Quothe thee

“Your thought mistook me
For I meant
To leave thee not
But offerest to stay
For true
I never did in my own realm
Partake of that pure love of which I told thee
But be my guide
And with me at the helm
And I shall in the cloak you wrought
Enfold thee
And journey to the ends
Of all the earth
For thou hast proved more generous and wise
Than all we faeries
Moons and stars are worth
For live we not
But living in your eyes”

Dear nameless knight
If thou would'st be mine own
And leave thy dragons for a while
Thou may'st
Find in these arms within which
Thou hast grown
A better reason than that which thou say'st
But with your hand you pointeth
Swear I so
And ‘tis not plain to me
Though I did draw it
Which way thou dost intend for us to go
Sure in the mind it is
Of she who saw it
Yet still perhaps
I made thee to discover
What one would do
If one were asked to choose
‘Tween back and forwards
Be thee friend
Or lover
Perhaps
You were to be
My favorite muse
Thou feel'st thy armor
Fight
But when you must
Thou see'st the blade of truth
Below thy knee
Use arrows against all
Whom you mistrust
But when thou ride'st my way
Aim one at me
Your world is yours
As ere it was before
Your time beneath my busy hand
Well spent
I've made a thing I love
I ask
No more
And never shall redeem the heart I lent
Me in my world
And thyself in thine
Two petals
On the same and silent flower
And evermore
I'll welcome thee in mine
Your dear creation
Was my finest hour

Precious thing
I long for nothing more
Than to be your friend
But I am not good
As you are
For I think
Where I should feel
And I am not
Innocent
As you would think
For I try
To turn your head
And I never stop
And I see you happy
And I wish you well
But in my wish
Is my invitation
To a different dream
And I wonder
If I care for you at all
Not to leave you alone
Where you are
Content
And I long for nothing more
Than to be your friend
But if you accept my gift
You will ruin it
And I will not give you
What I promised
Because
I can't
But I will always
Offer
And I will always
Deny it
Because I have a most convenient
Guise
Of friendship
Should you slip
I should slay you
Like all the others
And still I rain
And say "walk my way"
Because I adore
Where I have no right
But I ask you to become
Worse than you are
And neglect to mention
That I adore the part of you
That does not
Love me
For I long for nothing more
Than to be your friend
Yet I long for everything
Friends will never be
I think I may be
Cruel
But if I harm none I am
Only evil
And it hurts not to know if I am
Terrible
Or only
In love

So that's it then
All there is
You've moved on without me
You do not suffer as I do
It is so clear
What can I do and
Yet I will reach you somehow
With my mind
All I have
I will invade your dreams
I will not ask if it is right
I do not care
You must see me
Time is running out
No, I cannot touch you
But I will reach
Beyond dimension
Beyond realm
Beyond memory
To touch you
In some small way
And tell you
Beg you
To stop
Stop
And think
What you are doing
Is it what you want
Is it what you think you are supposed to want
Is it the only comfort you have ever known
And you feel safe
Well, you are right to want this
And I am wrong to want to stop you
But you need not make this move
What
Who says you must
If you love
If she loves
Why ask the world to take notice
Just let it be
And go on loving out of choice
Not duty
Am I so
Blind
What do I not see
When I look at her
What you do
Why do you not know that
Everything you ever wished for
Everything you were afraid to say
Out loud
Everything you hate
And desire
And will never understand
Lies in one who would never be brave enough
To tell you
Can you but open your eyes
For one single shining
Moment
And see yourself in the light that I do
Can you not see that
You are the answer to all my fears
I could feel safe with you and
Yes, I have my daggers and scars
And everything that would keep you back
But if you make this move
You close a door you can never reopen
And I will not pass through it anymore
And I can tell you that a life lived in waiting for what never comes
Is far better than a life content in the knowledge
Of what is certain never to be
Can you not wait
Can you not be brave
And see beyond this moment
Beyond this sense of comfort
You feel see your life
Open before you
Trusting in things to come
Believing they will be worth the wait and
Thrilling in the thought that
You have no idea what the next dream will bring you
Now I am here
With you
See my eyes as you have so many times before
See the way
I look at you
See what you always felt
But never dared to show
Believe in your power
To get the thing you dream of
Even when it is the very thing you fear
The thing
No other man can hope to attain
Look into your heart and see written there
The name
Of her you love
Who is it that fascinates you
Who is it that knows you better than you yourself
Who is it that will be waiting
When it all ends
At the end of the path
With a smirk
And a sarcastic comment
And a kiss on the neck
Don't leave me

I had you so close
And you didn't even know
I cherished every turn
Of your voice
And thrilled when you laughed
And died at each offered word
Which meant you didn't long to leave
And I tried not to seem
Too happy
You seem at home
In my darkness
And I love you
Because I know it isn't easy
And you are so kind
Because you make me feel
Worthy of pinching

I saw you
No one else
When I closed my eyes
You saw me
Only me
In my dreams

Before a thousand grasping hands
In a glaring light
She stands
Trying hard to meet demands
Everybody's girl

Defenseless more and more each time
Desecration is their crime
Vandalizing every rhyme
Everybody's pet

Becoming someone else outside
Hoping to protect and hide
What they smile at, then deride
Everybody's fool

Awaiting still some unknown sign
When she'll use her chance
Yo shine
How should she
Her life define?
“No one's woman yet”

This empty space
Cannot be filled
Your kind words bleed right through me
And I could cry but I'd only lose my tears
Just another form of release
Release what
I'm empty
You could pass your hand right through my body
And touch the wall behind me
But who, for all my emptiness,
Who would have the strength
To lift me up?
My faith
In mortal man is badly bruised
The gods have proven to be deaf
Or else they have a perverse sense of humor
Apparently these are European gods
For there is nothing funnier than a
Fat man in a tutu

Sonnet I
In times of warmth
When love and comfort dear
Have cast their blindless light upon my star
How is it
That I wish to disappear
And find myself again
Back where you are?
Is it that home is only home with you?
And how then did you earn your house that name
When judged by years it's relatively new?
My home is not my home here just the same
And so I will be happy as I must
Although without you
Sugar tastes as dust

Sonnet II
What sweetened torture I endure each day
When hour after hour passes by
And still I feel so very far away
From that which I desire
Yes, thee and I
Yet rosy is my sadness
For ere now
I never had pined after someone's touch
Nor eyes
Nor lips
Nor hands
Nor raven brow
And here I am
Missing almost too much
My paradox is that I weep at this
While being glad I have a love to miss

Sonnet III
Heartsick have I been
This long, long day
Heavy is my disposition
Yet, I smile
And try my best to hide away
The pain
The life
The love I can't forget
Sorry am I
For the ones I fool
They ask for nothing save my company
And yet I cannot seem to break the rule
That sayeth once I love
Twice bound I'll be
Alas, I often slip
And to them show
That far away
My heart desires to go

Sonnet IV
It seems only a moment past
I listened to the dulcet tone
Of thy too far off voice at last
But now I find myself alone
Yet, my eyes closed
I am not so
For underneath my fingertips
I feel your flesh
Caressing slow
And hold thy tongue between my lips
Past caring how forlorn it seems
I'll sleep to meet you in my dreams

Sonnet V
A cold wind ravages my mind
As though I were
A blade of grass
Which, rained upon
Has been made blind
And waits now for the storm to pass
But, strange
The closer cometh I
To travel's end and your embrace
The darker seems to go the sky
The further off seemeth your face
'Tis trying
When in pain, to rhyme
'Tis harder still to measure time

What is feeling
If it can be smashed so easily?
Have I built up anything
In the course of a happy day
That cannot be torn down by tomorrow's
Inevitable sorrows
Am I so fragile
That a word from the outside of the transparent orb
That encloses my physical self
Being said
Pricks the invisible dome
And leaves me utterly defenseless
Against the onslaught of everyday realities
And what is to be said for
Rebuilding that shell
Will it provide me
Anything
More than a few short hours of
Divine oblivion
Ah, but what can be accomplished
In a few short hours
Many great things
And these things
If carefully constructed
May perhaps furnish a sort of
Hospital waiting room
Wherein
When I am next divested of my orb
I might pass the time in slightly more comfortable surroundings
Than had I been
Rushed directly to the operating table

Little boy
Why did you have to chase me so hard
Didn't your mother show you what to do
Didn't your father
Tell you not to push

Little boy
We could have been great friends
But you frightened me to death you see
You made a
Rabbit out of me
And now we can't go back to being anything

Perhaps I ought to thank you
For you
Took my innocence away
And made me cruel
How did you know
I'd need that later on
You taught me to hide
And you taught me to lie
And to tremble at the telephone
To scream
But never cry
Surely you were wise beyond your years
For you planted in me unknown fears
That since I've met time and again
I wish I could have known it then
I might have been grateful for the experience
Rather than for the darkness
So useful to the hunted deer who doesn't know the way
But really I would not have known
Into how many arms
A girl will let herself be thrown
Just to escape
The one who wants her most
Better to dance with ten
Who won't remember her name
Than to be asked by one who can't forget it

Little boy
You made me feel guilt that day
Which never fully went away
You told the world you hated me
And that's when I began to see
How much it must have hurt
To have dressed up
In your first clean shirt
And hope like hell she'd understand
The things you felt
And take your hand
But damn you little boy
I never had a chance
You couldn't see I wasn't ready
For what you monsters
Call romance

Little boy
You never looked at me the same
As though you didn't know my name
And in the end
You made me hate
Myself for hurting you
But no one ever
Stopped to tell me what I ought to do

Little boy
Maybe someday
You'll walk my way
And listen to the song I play
And if you're still fond of passing notes
Perhaps we'll shed our children's coats
And talk an hour or two of what's become of us
And why
That finally we might say hello
Forgive
And say goodbye

If you turn the pages of the past
You'll often find a story without an ending
No 'Amen' to say it's over
All you have is a name you would rather forget
But it isn't over yet
Not when you've built your castle out of barricades
To guard against the fools you beat so long ago
Long before you even knew they were fools
But even longer since you saw a god in anyone
And for such an independent soul
You sure wanted to believe in someone else
Can you blame them that you hate them?
Smirking girl, you ask too much
Who said anyone would show you the way?
Who said anyone would care what you'll do someday?
You're all alone here
You can't buy what isn't there
You're all alone here
You can't change what isn't fair
How obstinate you are
You can't forgive them
All they did was make you cry
On every day that passed you by
How wise they were to know you didn't like them
How foolish they should have to ask you why

I'm gonna try my best
To love him
Don't know why I want him so
Yeah I'll try
And keep him by my side
I won't ever let him go
Oh, I've learned too much in my poor life
To laugh at humor I can't see
It's sad I know
That I can't show
My love
But I won't set him free

So I'm gonna try my best
To love him
Even if it takes all night long
Even if this feeling hurts me
I've heard pain can make you strong
And I know that
I'm not his girl
Really never thought I'd care
But to see him in your arms
That's the one thing
I can't bear
If you said I had no heart
Well I hardly think I'd cry
'Cause there ain't one thing you know ‘bout me
That I'd bother to deny
And it's not that I don't find him sweet
I know too well his voice
His touch
His eyes
And often underneath
I wonder that I try this much
Still it would be a shameful lie
To say I love this boy
This man
But I am fond and he is fine
So in the end perhaps I can
I agree this child deserves
A better friend and lover too
But I'm gonna try my best to love him
Just to keep him
Far from you

How can a woman tell
When love is gone
From love that merely sleeps
But deep inside
Has still the root
The stem and flower grows on
And so dreams not to die
But sleeps to hide
Perhaps
When the clouds drifting by make more noise
Than amorous whispers you aimlessly breathe
And croakings of paddocks
Speak with greater poise
Than lily pad speeches
With nothing beneath
And so I'll confess what I know to be true
That bullfrogs
Have more eloquence than do you
When days are longer than they used to be
And nights are maddening eternity
With only forced sighs to interrupt
The same repose your lips
Would once corrupt
I'll steal me away
So your soul shall not wake
Though more than my absence
To rouse it would take
Across from the meadow and down to the pond
To sink myself up to the waist
Then beyond
For water knows better in love what to do
And plays with its prey
With more passion than you

In dreaming one may oft' release his grasp
On what to conscious minds is naught but clear
That once the time of questioning is near
Chance there is none
To hide the fatal asp
Who follows me silently onto the shore
Where I learn to cherish my new solitude
And feel with precision
What ere had been rude
Yes, I shall return to thy bed nevermore
Born was I with one heart
I ask not for two
When rushes and lilies press
Nearer than you

Your eyes are raised to heaven
When I'm sitting on the floor
At your feet
What am I for?
Do I create
Or just translate
Between you
And your mind
The art you'll never find
And when your pen runs out of ink
You'll close the book and with me
Leave behind your memory
Are you brilliant?
Are you blind?
Would you have nothing more to say
If I ever flew away
In the end is it you
Is it me
Do I have anything?
What am I for?
But when I walk out that door
Your prayers are plenty when you have
An empty page before you
And still I may adore you
For you take dictation better
Than most poets true compose
Your lines far surpass those
You pray for what you know will come
Your confidence is flattering
But still it's quite another thing
Compelled to inspire
When to dream
Is all you really understand
The letters from your hand
Will never quite belong to you
And even then I only pray
That when I leave
You'll softly say
Goodbye

The music I heard once
Was louder
Than it is now
I can no longer distinguish
Pained cries
From shouts of joy
Perhaps my ears are deaf
Or the interference too great
Still the order I remember
Has given way to discord
And while running wild was exciting
It was so
Only for a moment
Fleeting as a note
Leaving an even more transparent impression
The music I recall
Was different than it is now
For the new makes the old seem
Older than it is
To think from that
We grew into a new age
Suggests that
Ages past
Were not enough for adventuring souls
For stars too bright to be concealed
In a dark
But beauteous night
We will paste upon the curled pages
Words
Like charming
And romantic
And sentimental
Forgetting that charming is witchcraft
Romantic is love
And sentiment is what makes us
Human

If you could only know
The hurt I feel
Each time I think of you
You might
Begin to understand
What makes a faerie cry
You couldn't quite believe
The reasons I would give
If you asked to be told
The nature of my tears
And so I told you why

If you could only know
How many times each day
I picture in my mind
The look
Upon your face
When you begin to laugh
Or how your eyes
Look sad
The softness of your hair
The beauty of your soul
And whatever I am
You are the other half
I cannot comprehend
How I could recognize
The one
I've waited for
The instant that we met
And have known since that day
While you are truly fond
And care I do believe
But would not take the chance
That alters suns and moons
And gave your heart away

If you could only know
How precious you've become
How all that I create
You still inspire so
You may begin to see
That I might be the one
For whom you were brought back
But if you never know
The chance will pass us by
And love will never be

Never wanted anyone
Now somebody's here
Never missed his kisses
Now I need him near
Never felt this happy
Never felt this strange
Funny how things change
Funny how things change

Lived my life in starlight
Never saw the sun
Thought that I was heartless
Now my heart's been won
Thought that I was happy
Thought that love was strange
Funny how things change
Funny how things change

Walked into the fire
Smiled at the pain
Then when I had healed myself
I ran out in the rain
Thought that I was crazy
Thought that I was strange
Now I know
I'm normal
Funny how things change
Now I know
I'm human
Funny how things change

I've spent my whole life
Telling everyone to leave me alone
Don't touch
Don't look too close
But I didn't mean you
And now you're gone
Because you saw the "forbidden" sign
Above my head
And you didn't know
I didn't mean you
You went to an open door
Instead of knocking harder at mine
I would have let you in
But you didn't know
That I didn't mean you
You didn't see that I cleared the path
And left the walkway free
For I told myself
That I'll only be tread on by you
But now I look with love upon someone
And no one else matters but him
But still
You fool
You think
I didn't mean you

If I had a mystery
I'd spoil the surprise
Giving it away to you
To see it through your eyes
If I had a song to sing
I'd name it after you
So that each time it was heard
Everybody knew
That no one mattered anymore
And no one ever would
That I would stop
The spinning earth
If only music could
And if I had a purer heart
I think that I could be
Something that you'll someday need
If only that were me
For if I look inside myself
At what I hide away
I find my heart will never be
The reason that you stay

Bits of conversation
Fill my head
Tangling with words
We haven't said
Glimpses of a movement you once made
Knowing I could live
But dream instead
Wondering if you saw the part I played
Whether I'm the reason
That you stayed
Only half believing it could be
Well aware I want
What I forbade
Questioning my own reality
Doubting in my mind
The things I see
Altering perception fast as light
Do you know for years you've haunted me?
Speaking words you never could recite
Giving bliss as if to test my flight
All is but illusion
This I know
Yet more felt than objects in my sight
The world may see my skin
But just below
Simmers what I think
But never show
Lifetimes lived with you but more than this
Guessing where in your sweet dreams you go
Do you drown in memory's abyss?
Is there music
In a voice you miss?
When you close your eyes do you relive
Each averted glance
Aborted kiss?
Do you harbor what you should forgive?
Search for signs
In every narrative?
Or repel all company save one
Who is not cure but palliative?
While it's possible these things you've done
All too likely I'm the only one
And upon this thought
My vision fled
So I end back where I had begun
Nothing but the present
Fills your head
Forgetting more than half the things I've said
Shadows
Of a sacrifice you made
Knowing you could dream
But live instead

Days of old, I tell my restless mind
Searching mountains, fields
And meadows green
What is it my heart can hope to find?

All I long for I have never seen
Tales of glory written in the dust
Tapestries of deepest purple gold
Legends carved in stone tell me I must
Journey through the mist and bitter cold

But in this brotherhood I still believe
And for the ones we've lost my soul will grieve
Yet through the world alone I wander for I know somewhere
I will find my brothers, by the sword I swear

In my memory awakening
Like a dream too sweet to cast away
Shadows of the past begin to sing
Calling out to me in their gallant way

Come away with us brother in arms
Through the seas of silver, fields of gold
Join us as we battle those who harm
And fight with valor as in days of old

But in this brotherhood I still believe
And for the ones we've lost my soul will grieve
Yet through the world alone I wander for I know somewhere
I will find my brothers, by the sword I swear

Seeking in the corners of the earth
My companions I have never known
Blindly running forth, is honor worth
Endless hours of silence spent alone?

But in this brotherhood I still believe
And for the ones we've lost my soul will grieve
Yet through the world alone I wander for I know somewhere
I will find my brothers, by the sword I swear

Rescue damsels fine and maidens fair
Free the noble who have done no wrong
Though it seems the world may little care
Some are left that to the round belong

But in this brotherhood we still believe
And for the ones we've lost our souls will grieve
Yet through the world alone we wander for we know somewhere
We will find our brothers, by the sword we swear

By the sword I swear
I will find my brothers, I will find my sisters
I will find my brothers, I will find my sisters
By the sword I swear

I didn't want the details
Of your pathetic life
How you wished for a lover
And wouldn't mind a wife
I didn't want to picture
A man so sad and weak
I cherished my illusions
Until I heard you speak
I didn't want to ponder
The reasons you confessed
Your torrid past relations
I never would have guessed
That I would seek my refuge
For that
I'm angry still
I didn't want to know you
And now I never will

If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright

And I'm sorry
I cause you
So much pain
And I'm sorry
To bring you
Down again
But I've reached
The end
and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you
Really want from me
But I don't fit in your
Reality
How can any man
Be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind

If you feel safer
Keeping to yourself
Placing trust in no one
I won't cry
If it calms your conscience
Making me
The guilty one
Take my reputation
Ain't worth much
And it's alright

And I'm sorry to cause you
So much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you
Down again
But I've reached
The end
And I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you
Really want from me
But I don't fit in your
Reality
How can any man
Be so blind
But if you feel better
I don't mind


Won't make me sorry
'Cause I'm cruel
Won't hurt the feelings
I don't have
Won't break the heart
That isn't there
You'll find
But if you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind

Two masks
One a princess
One a witch
Both ridiculous
And painted
And blind
My eyes
Would fill the empty spaces
And bring about
A total transformation
Artifice is the true realism
Deceit lives in the flesh
And will not show its face to any man
But give us a mask
And we will tell you the truth
I could not choose
So I will wear them both
The witch next to my skin
The princess next to yours
Which will you see first?

What right have I?
You are not mine
Nor will you ever be
I need not try
To read your sign
You don't belong to me
I should not care
How you behave
What difference does it make?
Perhaps someday
You will grow brave
And from this sleep awake
But when you do
It will not then
Be caused by what I say
But by one who
Like other men
Holds you within her sway
And as I claim
No place within
The life you choose to live
I'll stay the same
As I have been
And all your faults forgive
Perhaps I own
The privileged place
For worry I need not
I may condone
Reprove with grace
And still remain unfraught
With jealousies
And petty cares
And all that love demands
So as you please
I'll save my prayers
And better use my hands
But why all this?
As I have said
It matters not to me
What right have I?
You are not mine
Nor will you ever be

Witches and Satanists
We have been named
Over the years
We've been murdered and maimed
Mothers
And daughters
And sisters
And wives
All have the power
We gave you your lives
Nothing can ever reverse what's been done
(but we'll try with the birth of each daughter and son)

I cried for you
Because you said goodnight
When you really should have said
You'll stay
I cried for you
Because you took your light
And left me
Though you know I've lost my way
I cried for you
For though you're thinking of me
You hide it
Saying
You don't know me well
I cried for you
Because I know you love me
I cried for you
Because you'll never tell

Sonnet I
Dreaming from my tower
In the air
Higher than the trees
Surrounding close
Wondering if men
Would find me fair
Footsteps down below
Break my repose
The mist about my window
Hinders me
From viewing
Who would enter in my court
But so few visitors I chance to see
Intent I am
On making my report
And tuning my sweet song
Towards the earth
I'll change my fate
Which left me here since birth

Sonnet II
Six notes
Only had I sounded
When
The footsteps came nearer my prison wall
Trembled I
Yet sounded them again
And from what seemed the pit of earth
Heard call
A voice
Quite different
From those I had heard
Though I could count that number on one hand
My lips
Too dry to speak a single word
I wondered
Why I had not better planned
And tried in vain to step back from the sill
For something held my hair
And kept me still

Sonnet III
I tried to scream
But sound I could not make
My frightened wit had robbed me of my speech
I thought of how my tresses
I might break
But spied the scissors
Just beyond my reach
Frantically
I fumbled through my skirts
Searching for my dagger in the fold
The same I used
For tearing linen shirts
And as I knew
Not what of me had hold
To sacrifice my braids
I raised my knife
Too late!
I now must kill to save my life

Sonnet IV
My point directed at the stranger's chin,
No time was left for severing his rope
But shall I murder him
Or let him in?
I was too stunned at what I saw
To hope for some salvation
I knew I was lost
Whichever was my choice
It mattered not
The mist had cleared
My innocence the cost
And for one endless moment
I was wrought
Of human flesh
And human cares and fears
The fantasy of fables
Read for years

Sonnet V
A face it was
Yea, it had lips and eyes
But unlike that which greets me in the glass
In its twin orbs
I saw no less surprise
And so we stood
Two statues made of brass
I gazing in his eyes
And he in mine
As though we might have read each other's thoughts
He smiled slowly
As one
Drunk with wine
When suddenly the forest rang with shots
The hunters oft' before had come too near
And so I bid adieu
To all my fear

Sonnet VI
Hardly knowing half of what I did
But well aware the half
I knew was mad
I grasped his arms as virtue may forbid
And pulled the creature with what strength I had
Into the chamber
To the floor we fell
Then scrambled I
To my poniard retrieve
And asked him now
At death's third door
To tell
Why cam'st he hence
And bade him not deceive
For if he should be false
Despite his beauty
Though I be fooled
My dagger knew its duty

Sonnet VII
His lips then moved
But not a sound was heard
I saw them
As two petals from a rose
When finally
He was fit to say a word
I was content examining his nose
He made some mention
Of a songbird's tune
I was not listening
But o'erlooked his brow
He claimed
He would have climbed up to the moon
I wished to give him peace
But knew not how
He had not thought his rope a maiden's hair
Upon my life
I found the creature fair!

Sonnet VIII
The deed explained
He begged of me my name
“Rapunzel”
I replied
“A man thou art?”
“I am”
The creature laughed
“The very same
How long hast thou been kept from life
Apart?”
I told him how
For one and twenty years
My home had been the walls
He saw around me
How no amount of pleading
Nor no tears
Have gained a visitor
Until he found me
But when I think upon it
I recall
For staring
He did not hear me at all

Sonnet IX
It seemed to me
We may as well not speak
His eyes had gone
As cloudy as the day
He asked if he might
Come again that week
And I knew
He must soon be gone away
He took my hands
And pressed them in his own
As if by doing so
He should stay longer
He told me of the world
I might have known
Vowing to return
And slay my wronger
Then promising no harm
His head he bent
And kissed my lips
Then out the sill he went

Sonnet X
Lowering himself
As he had come
Through the mist
My creature disappeared
Riding back
To all that he was from
And all that I could never be
I feared
And yet
What raven locks fell 'round his face
What gentle eyes
As gray as seagulls wings
A voice so soft
My words cannot replace
The memory
Of a thousand lovely things
And so I'll dream again
Of arms more sweet
The dagger
I had dropped
Lies at my feet

I've never tasted tears
Like these before
And though they are the saddest
I have known
Their simple cause is none but
One of joy
For now it seems
I may not be alone
Upon this earth
As I have been ‘til now
A truly unexpected twist of fate
For I had given up
On everyone
Especially myself
And thought it late
Too late
For any soul to cast a line
His hook would hit the ice
And snap in two
But someone blew a kiss
And with his breath
Unfroze
What ne'er a roaring fire could do
An angel now is mine
And from the start
I knew that I was bound to let him in
But while I smile
I weep
Because I know
That something ends
So that this can begin
God, what a fool am I
Or am I wise?
For years have I kept hidden in my heart
The name
Of one who never had been more
But whom I wrote about
And set apart
From other men
Though never did I tell
My feelings, nay
But used him
As a muse
An inspiration
Something to adore
But rarely did I think on what I'd lose
If ever
My affections
Were replaced
By someone living
Breathing
Warm and real
For while I pledged my life
To him in song
The same for me
I knew he did not feel
If I could tell the truth
I'd say I planned
To go on in this fashion
For all time
I didn't care
He couldn't care for me
As long as I could own him
In each rhyme
And have someone to think about
Each night
When torment
After torment wracked my soul
To writhe in sorrow
Bathe in pain's delight
To fill my pages
Was my only goal
Until the day
I dared
To call it love
For this love
Was the only I had known
And somehow
I could keep the rest away
For in my mind
I never was alone
And being thus in love
Though with a specter
I never did expect
Nor wish
Nor care
To take another
In that holy place
Though in my mind
I knew no one was there
Yay, in my mind
But not so in my soul
I loved
I swear I loved
Else why this pain
When of my will
I opened up the door
And swept the space
Where I swore he'd remain
And something dies within me
As I sweep
As something new is born
In every tear
Past years of memories
I long to keep
A future
That I both long for
And fear
There really was no question when it came
This shooting star
Both fire and gentleness
Who never gave me time
To make my choice
But made my will
His own with each caress
For once
And only once
I did not think
Where I should feel
And for that I was proud
But it was one thing to enact the part
And something else
To say the word aloud
For once I had
I felt
A shadow fade
Which over me had hung for all these years
And no true loss
In all the world could match
The sense of someone
Passing
With my tears
I hadn't known ‘til then
How lost I was
Enveloped in this mist of my design
So much of me
My muse had thus become
That in my eyes
No star was seen to shine
Unless it bore
Some of my phantom's light
Or carried strains of music in the beams
Until my soul was open to the view
No man could enter
Except in my dreams

It's over now
And I am not afraid
I know full well
What I am meant to do
But late at night
When I recall my muse
I cry for us
As though he ever knew
That I had waited years
To hear my name
Once spoken
As it should have always been
I'd wait there still
But someone
Real appeared
And stole the heart
No man could hope to win
If to my muse
I'd ever said hello
It might not hurt this much to say
Goodbye
But there is something
Tragic in this scene
Which may appear
As joyous to the eye
Of anyone who witnesses myself
Bound in the arms and lips
Of my new friend
Completed in a way I've never been
And healing wounds
I thought would never mend
The truth
That shattered my reality
The soul I dreamed
But never thought I'd meet
And now I don't look back
Except in dreams
Yet when I do
The pain
Is always sweet
For only pain can show me who I was
And from that girl to me
How much I've grown
I've never tasted tears
Like these before
And yes
They are the saddest I have known

In this light
The dust is visible
Glowing
Golden atmosphere
Even the air I breathe
Is full of memories
Shades of others
Bathe my skin
And since I am alone
I wonder
Who on earth would ever know
If I slipped into the other side
Without making a sound
Without blinking an eye
Without slowing down at all
I could jump the track

Still the wheels are turning
Landscapes echo in my mind
Flying past my windows
How could anyone fear this place
And since I am alone
I wonder
Who on earth
Would ever guess
If I crossed this fragile strand that binds
Without making a noise
Without skipping a beat
Without slowing down at all
I could jump the track

And what were specters now have faces
Casting light
In darkened places
Those that I have loved
Are with me
Never gone
But ever drifting
Through the threads of my existence
Courses
Running
Side by side
Paths entwining
Realigning
Meeting past the great divide
In the realm where phantoms hide
Sanctified
Occupied
And since I am alone
I wonder
Who on earth would ever care
If I slipped away before my time
Without saying a word
Without praying to god
Without slowing down at all
I could jump the track
I could jump the track
I could jump…

I toe the line of self-indulgence
Every time I place my pen
Upon the page
And form the words
I felt
But couldn't show ‘til then
And to myself
I beg the question
Why do I thus masquerade
As one to one
And to another
Someone else?
If I
Afraid
Of what the consequence of stating
Openly my cause might be
When I rant
And rhyme
And reason
Do I write for them
Or me?
I believe there is some merit
In creating for one's self
But why place before the public
What is best
Left on the shelf?
Though while I write
I do not feel that
What I pen is mine alone
Even this could be misguided
As are many I have known
Who swore, poor souls
That they possessed
The key to man's mysterious fate
Succeeded in convincing some
But most could tell
They did but prate
On subjects
Touching something vague
Which cannot be unproven, or
In place of content
Speak in tongues
Yet know not whom they're speaking for
No, I am not deluded so
I do not feel I represent
Some force divine
But still I know
That I shall never be content
To hold my tongue when I would speak
Or change my words to suit the hour
Or pinch a blush upon my cheek
To feign my joy
At love gone sour
I do not wish to disappoint
The faith that others place in me
To lead the way to brighter days
But sometimes dark
Is all I see
I work for good
I toil for hope
No one can question my intent
But even those who listen close
Can often mistake
What I meant
My fear
I've come to realize
Is mainly this:
That I am wrong
That my perception is askew
That I write shyte
And call it song
Perhaps I'll always question thus
Discount my merits
Thoughts
And deeds
‘Tis well
Long as I still go forth
And see where this
My vision
Leads
Strong is she
Who knows her mind
And speaks it
Though she may not please
Fortunate the audience
That hears such honest thoughts
As these

The time for your escape
Has come and gone
What kept you here
Save your own curious mind?
You say you've seen too much
And yet look on
Where chaster souls would run
You glance behind
Have you no ministering angels
To consult?
I have no power to decide your fate
The choice was yours
But therein lies the fault:
What good is choice
When choice is made too late?
What good is virtue
But a thing to lose?
What good are all the saintly attributes?
We wear them on and off
Whene'er we choose
To correspond with fashion
End disputes
If you should think to speak
Say but a word
And weigh it well
No explanation give
To those who haven't asked.
What has occured
Is nothing more than reciprocative
Events without a price
Nor penalty
You've nothing lost
That I can say I've gained
You've acted out your part
Adorably
And for my part
I hope I've entertained