Ben Folds Album

I can do this, really, I'm good enough
I'm as good as them, but don't take it from me
Ask my friends, ask my sister
They all think my stuff is great
Up there with any of them
I just need a break

I'm a genius, really, I'm excellent
Better than them, I kick their asses
All of them, even that guy
Who thinks he's fuckin' cool
Gets all of the attention
He doesn't sell shit does he

Some guy on the net thinks I suck and he should know
He's got his own blog
(x2)

I'm a loser
I'm a poser
Yeah really, it's over
I mean it and I quit
Everything I write is shit

I'm a loser
And a poser
It's over, it's over
I mean it and I quit
Everything I write is shit

Hey, hey
It's a working day
Hey, hey
It's a working day

They checked into the hospital New Year's Eve
Nothing to be done about that
Rainbows, daffodils; she's not naive
Symbolism's all crap

There's a big picture window in their room on the ward
With a view over Parliament Hill
But the view offers more joy than they can afford
When there's this much pain to kill

You know what hope is?
Hope is a bastard
Hope is a liar
A cheat and a tease
Hope comes near you?
Kick it's backside
Got no place in days like these

At dusk the darkness surrenders to color
As the fireworks streak the sky
And their window gives them the prettiest picture
Their useless luck makes her wanna cry

Then it turns midnight, the shitty old year spent
Another Mom gives her some sparkling wine
And she nearly gives in to the moment
But he'll still be sick in 2009

You know what hope is?
Hope is a bastard
Hope is a liar
A cheat and a tease
Hope comes near you?
Kick it's backside
Got no place in days like these

Just as she's thinking of pulling the blind down
A rocket bursts in front of her eyes
The city lit up; London's given a bright crown
And she tries and fails to stop spirits rise

You know what hope is?
Hope is a bastard
Hope is a liar
A cheat and a tease
Hope comes near you?
Kick it's backside
Got no place in days like these

You know what hope is?
Hope is a bastard
Hope is a liar
A cheat and a tease
Hope comes near you?
Kick it's backside
Got no place in days like these

Woke up this morning, what do I see
Three thousand cameras pointed at me
Dude says, "You Levi?"
I'm like, "Yes, that's me sir"
"Well you just knocked up the VP nominee's daughter"
So I tell him "No, you got it wrong mister,
Already got a girl and her name's Bristol"
They all laugh and say "Where you been, sonny?
Your mother in law's a heartbeat from the presidency"

So I say, "Mother in law? No, we aint getting married"
They say, "Soon you will boy, she just announced it"
I get on my dirtbike and ride to my girl's home
Gonna lay down the law
Tell her what's goin' on

I'm a fuckin' redneck, I live to hang out with the boys
Play some hockey, do some fishin' and kill some moose
I like to shoot the shit and do some chillin' I guess
You fuck with me and I'll kick your ass

So we talk and it turns out we don't believe in abortion
And sex outside marriage is against our religion
And when I try to tell them I'm 18 years old,
They say “Levi it's too late, you've got to do as you're told”

I'm a fuckin' redneck, I live to hang out with the boys
Get on the snowboard, do some fishin' and kill some moose
I like to shoot the shit and do some chillin' I guess
You fuck with me and I'll kick your ass

Man in a wheelchair in the lobby of the Forrest
With frighters, hustlers, hard-up millionaires

Mobsters, cops, whores, pimps and Marxists
All human life is there

Man in a wheelchair listens to the chatter
Writes down all the insane crap he hears

He can't move around but it doesn't really matter
In the Forrest all you need is eyes and ears

And out they pour, the hits and misses
Turn Me Loose, Lonely Avenue
And down in Nashville Elvis sings Suspicion
Pomus/Shuman, 1962

And he never could be one of those happy cripples
The kind that smile and tell you life's OK

He was mad as hell, frightened and bitter
He found a way to make his feelings pay

Back at the Forrest, in the steakhouse off the lobby
Another diner gets three bullets in the head

Doc looks down and carries on eating his linguine
Tries to think up a lyric for the dead

Fred Neil, Jack Benny, and crazy Phil Spector
Pumpkin Juice and Eydie Gormé
Damon Runyon Jr. and the Duke's orchestra
All superhuman life was there

And he never could be one of those happy cripples
The kind that smile and tell you life's OK
He was mad as hell, frightened and bitter
He found a way to make his isolation pay

I see it all, I get it, I promise you I do
Your mom walked out on you when you were only two
You've grown up believing that this country hates the poor
You're a dad three times over and you're only twenty-four

The Christians on the radio, they act like you're scum
Self-righteous condescending bastards, each and every one
I don't read the Bible but I try to love you, man
Every flaw and violent act, I think I understand

But your dogs, your dogs, what's fun about those?
And that tat on your neck, and that ring through your nose?
The weed, the junk food, the violent pornography
Don't you think you'd want to be
Just a little bit more like me?

I still have high hopes you could join our community
There's more of us than you now, but we'd welcome the diversity
You're not white trash, like the other neighbors say
If you want to challenge stereotyping, join the PTA

At night, when your pit bulls are scaring our children
My wife, I'll be honest here, wants me to shoot them
And sometimes I let my fantasies run

But that's only at night, when I'm not really thinking
And you're listening to Metallica in your backyard and drinking
The rest of the time I think we get along fine
I never judge you, I'm a live-and-let-live guy

But your dogs, your dogs, what's fun about those?
And that tat on your neck, and that ring through your nose?
The weed, the junk food, the violent pornography
Don't you think you'd want to be
Just a little bit more like me?

Who'd look at that dump and see a home?
Why not move in somewhere easy?
Urinals where bedrooms ought to be
Who could be bothered,really?

You're really good at all that stuff
The nuts and bolts of living
Curtains, blinds and kitchen tables

I've got no time for dates and plans
No I'm too busy dreaming
You're the one with the attention span
You're not the free wheeler

Practical, practical
Amanda
Saved one life
And made two others
Practical Amanda

Who'd look at me
And see someone
That might be
Worth redeeming
Head and heart
And soul fucked up
Who could be bothered, really?

I've got no time for dates and plans
No I'm too busy dreaming
You're the one with the attention span
Practical Amanda

Practical, practical
Amanda
Saved one life
And made two others
Practical Amanda

So she stands and waits and waits at the school gate
They're late, they come, so dumb
In two cars when they agreed one
And it's gone wrong on her birthday
So they go to Joe's for pizza and ice cream
They sit and stare and Claire just wants to be 9 and a half
Next year she'll tell them she only wants world peace

But Claire, Claire baby
I wish you knew how this all got twisted
I wish you could see right inside us
In all of this stuff, the best of us that we can't get out

What's the point of this
What's wrong with two birthdays
It's cool at school
Her friends, they all have two birthdays
Oh geez, he just asked the waitress out on a date on her birthday

But Claire, Claire baby
I wish you knew how this all got twisted
I wish you could see right inside us
In all of this stuff, the best of us that we can't get to

Here's the cheque
They pay with two cards like they've never met
Goodbyes outside; it's cold in LA

Claire, Claire baby
I wish you knew how this all got twisted
I wish you could see right inside us
The best of us for most of us
Or what we were, you're all that's left
It used to be our birthday too

I know you
You think I don't but I do
I've been listening and I don't forget so I can do this
I can pass the test
You went to school in Chicago
Your mom's maiden name is Dupree
Your favorite actor is DeNiro
Your birthday's 03/08/83

C.H.I.C.A.G.O.
D.U.P.R.E.E.
D.E.N.I.R.O.

I know you
You think it's weird but it's not
You're all looking at it all upside down
It actually means I really love you
You used have a dog called Montey
You only drink chardonnay
Your sister's pet name is CeeCee
You have a thing for David Blaine

M.O.N.T.E.Y.
C.H.A.R.D.O.N.N.A.Y.
C.E.E.C.E.E.

And I know you

I know you
You think I'm blind but I'm not
I've been watching and what I've noticed is distraction, boredom and vacancy
I know your favorite dish (P.A.R.M.I.G.I.A.N.A)
I know your favorite band (Polyphonic S.P.R.E.E.)
You spent a year in Barcelona (B.A.R.C.E.L.O.N.A.)
That asshole's name was Anthony

Turns out you never went to T.U.L.S.A.
To see your old roommate J.A.N.E.
I think my middle name is S.U.C.K.E.R.
And I was born yesterday

I don't know you
I thought I did but I don't
I wasn't listening to the right things
One day I won't even remember your face

They even looked at each other once across a crowded bar
He was with Martha, she was with Tom
Neither of them really knew what was going on
Strange feeling of never
Heartbeats becoming synchronised
and staying that way forever

Most of the time it was just near misses
Air kisses, once at a bookstore, once at a party
She came in as he was leaving
And years ago at the movies, she sat behind him
A 6:30 showing of 'While You Were Sleeping'
He never once looked around

chorus:
It's so easy from above
You can really see it all
People who belong together
Lost and sad and small
But there's nothing to be done for them
It doesn't work that way
Sure we all have soulmates but we walk past them every day, oh no

And it's not like they were ever actually unhappy in the lives they lived
He married Martha, she married Tom
Just this vague notion that something was wrong
A naked absence, a phantom limb
An itch that could never be scratched

{chorus}

Neither of them knew what was going on
A strange feeling of never
Heartbeats becoming synchronised
And staying that way forever

Who knows whether that's how it should be
Maybe our ghosts live in that vacancy

Maybe that's how books get written
Maybe that's why songs get sung
Maybe we owe the unlucky ones

{chorus}

Maybe that's how books get written
Maybe that's why songs get sung
Maybe we owe the unlucky ones x2

I've only ever seen her name on a spine
But that's enough, I want to make her mine

Never heard her voice, never seen her smile
But I'm in love with Saskia Hamilton…

Well she's a poet, just like I want to be
But her passport alone is great poetry
And I'm in love with Saskia Hamilton.

She got more assonance than she knows what to do with
I'm in love with Saskia Hamilton
She got two sibilants, no bilabial plosives

Saskia Hamilton, Saskia Hamilton. Yeah! Right!
Saskia Hamilton, Saskia Hamilton.
Saskia, Saskia, Saskia Hamilton

Already got a girl but she sounds real bad
I'm in love with Saskia Hamilton
She got alliteration and her surname is Dagg

No hard consonants in my girl Saskia
Every single syllable sounds like Shakespeare
I'm in love with Saskia Hamilton

Gonna live with her and it'll all be harmonious
How could it not be, when she's that euphonious?
Gonna marry her and it'll all be idyllic
AND MY TEACHER JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE'S DACTYLIC!

Saskia Hamilton, Saskia Hamilton. Yeah! Right!
Saskia Hamilton, Saskia Hamilton.
Saskia, Saskia, Saskia Hamilton

Every night around this time
He has to sing 'Belinda'
"Belinda, I love you
Don't leave me, I need you"

He tried to stop a while back
But what is he without her?
A one hit wonder with no hits is what he is

And anyway
He always hears how much it means to people
There's a lot of fortysomethings
Who wouldn't be in the world without it
So now he does it with this lyric in his head

Belinda, I loved you
I'm sorry that i left you
I met somebody younger on a plane
She had big breasts
A nice smile
No kids either
She gave me complimentary champagne

No-one ever wants to hear the song he wrote for Cindy
"Cindy, I love you
I need you, don't leave me"
And he can't blame them, they can tell
His heart was never in it
And Cindy never liked it but
She never much liked him

Belinda, I loved you
I'm sorry that i left you
I met somebody younger on a plane
She had big breasts
A nice smile
No kids either
She gave me complimentary champagne

So every night about this time
He feels the old self loathing
While the old folks in the audience sing along
And he smiles and waves the mic at them
So they can do the chorus
But he's not there, he's somewhere else
He's with Belinda
In the days before he made it all go wrong

Belinda, I love you

She gave me complimentary champagne
She gave me complimentary champagne

Everyone sells stuff they don't believe in
Movie actors do it all the time
Guys with cases full of useless health drinks
In politics they quote statistics full of lies

Bill can see he's not the worst of the offenders
It's not like his job causes actual harm
He shares his cake and kindness to old ladies
Getting by with platitudes and charm

It's just a job, it's just a job
Too late to change it
Put in the hours, bring home the pay
Watching sports on Sunday after the service
He no longer worries about judgment day

But he's sure there's no one else inside his workplace
If he were here, he left some time ago
Some Sunday's Bill just waffles on and on about grace
Avoid the subject of what's down below

It's just a job, it's just a job
Too late to change it
Put in the hours, bring home the pay
Watching sports on Sunday after the service
He no longer worries about judgment day

It's not like there was this one flash of insight
Now how come if there's a god we get Darfur?
It was just a gradual dimming of that bright light
The real lie is ancient Christ works best as a metaphor.

It's just a job, it's just a job
Too late to change it
Put in the hours, take home the pay
Watching sports on Sunday after the service
He no longer worries about judgment day